A simpleton’s guide to the Olympics (Part seven)

It’s been a few days since I last did an Olympics blog. Here’s my guide to the sports you may have watched and not had the faintest idea what was happening.

Trampolining

Trampolining is the one sport we all watch and think ‘I could do that.’ Anyone who bounced on their bed as a child will reckon they are in with a shout of Olympic Gold and I definitely think I could make it to Tokyo 2020.

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Unlike the spoilt children of today who have a trampoline that has blown into the garden from next door or have a club to go to, I had to do what is known as ‘Extreme Trampolining’.

In a bedroom in Southwick in the seventies, with ice on the inside of the windows and the freezing radiators providing nothing more than a hazard that could have your eye out, I began my Olympic journey.

On a child’s bed with broken springs (largely caused by my trampolining), I avoided the potentially lethal Action Men and Tonka Trucks, sometimes hidden under the blankets, sometimes thrown by my brothers. Not to mention the career threatening upturned Lego as I stepped off the bed.

The biggest risk I faced was my bed being placed under the eaves. I hit my head off the ceiling that many times I genuinely think it is the reason for my stunted growth.

You may wonder what are the rules of trampolining? It just looks like pissing about and to be honest, that’s all it is. The rules are loosely based on gymnastics but aimed at people who can’t be arsed to jump properly.

One to watch: After Bryony Page picked up a silver medal, British trampolining really has reached new heights. (You knew I was also going to do that pun)

Cycling Keirin

Just when you thought you had seen the last of the crazy cycling events, along comes another that is batshit mental. The amount of mad events with impossible to penetrate rules can only be attributed to the fact that cycling was traditionally only done by tweed wearing professors.

Nobody knows the origins or the rules of the Keirin and nobody cares; the competitors just give it a go and hope for the best.

In an attempt to raise his profile, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has started every race on a Boris Bike and has led for most of each one before everybody pisses past him and he eventually gives up. I suspect the others had been letting him lead for a bit as they felt sorry for him, a bit like the mascot at a football match. I’m sure I could make some searingly insightful comment on the similarities between this race and his life in politics but this is an Olympics blog, not Newsnight.

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One to watch: Former Sheffield United keeper Paddy Kenny.

Heptathlon 

If there is one thing that marks Olympic athletes out from the rest of us it is their single minded determination. They know exactly what they want to do from an early age, focus on it and achieve their goals.

If you are a ditherer, a bit dipsy and can never make up your mind, you may think the Olympics aren’t for you. Don’t worry, there’s one event that was invented for those people who are allergic to decision making, the Heptathlon.

When filling in the sport choice form at primary school most kids plump for football, running or Power Ranger. Those that aren’t sure tend to write ‘All of them’, ‘Don’t know’, or ‘Cake’. These are the people who get to do the Heptathlon.

A combination of running, skipping and jumping, points are awarded for each individual discipline and for the first one to decide which colour socks they are wearing.

Britain has dominated in recent years as there is a lot of queueing due to athletes not knowing whether they want a shite or a haircut.

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One to watch: The showdown between 2012 champion Jessica Ennis and her deadly rival Jessica Ennis – Hill.


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