Coffee shop etiquette (Part Two)

We’ve covered the basics but as with pubs, there are many more coffee shop scenarios that need to be addressed.

Ordering (Part two)

It really should be a simple process but people like to think that by making it complicated, they’ve achieved a feat similar to winning University Challenge whilst sat atop Everest on a unicycle.

Ordering the longest drink on the menu and asking it to be added to the second longest drink with a side dribble of milk in a warmed saucer is not an achievement.

You aren’t impressing anyone.

At least try and use acronyms for your made up drinks. Teasingly Warm Aqueduct Tea, Coffee Unfiltered Not Tepid, Barista Assisted Substitute Tea And Reduced Dairy etc.

Similarly with food, there’s the menu, there’s the food. Buy it or shut up.

If you have an allergy, you are perfectly within your rights to ask and I would encourage you to do so. There is a slight caveat to this in that fussy eating is not an allergy. “Mummy’s little pumpkin is allergic to pumpkin seeds” is not something anybody wants to hear.

I have an allergic reaction to pineapple in as much that if anybody tries to feed me it, I will stab them with a sharpened teaspoon. I’m not sure this is the sort of information that staff in a coffee shop need nor want me to share with them.

Bringing your own food and drink.

Don’t do it.

Why would you ever think it was acceptable? Just because there is nothing on the menu to suit your own peculiar tastes doesn’t give you the right to bring in your own tofu teacakes.

You wouldn’t take cans into a pub if they didn’t serve a beer you liked. (Well, maybe YOU would but YOU are weird.)

Electronic devices

Laptops, tablets, smartphones and Kindles are all common sights in coffee shops and as long as you use them with due consideration for others there shouldn’t be a problem. But what happens if your battery is running low and you need to charge it?

I suspect that most coffee shops are happy for you to plug in if your table has a socket next to it but it is probably polite to ask.

On no account should you unplug another device, unplug somebody’s charging phone and use their charger (remarkably I have seen this happen) or leave it plugged in for hours whilst you sip a free glass of water.

Don’t have leads trailing all over the place, nobody wants to see a waitress trip over and spill a tray of coffee. Well, I do for comedic purposes but I don’t think that counts.

Finally, restrict it to phones or laptops. Don’t plug in your GHD hair straighteners or get the iron and ironing board out.