A simpleton’s guide to the Olympics (Part six)

On the day that the proper football starts again in the Premier League, it appears that the proper sports are starting in the Olympics. Running and jumping and stuff rather than the novelty events that have been added to attract people who don’t like sports.

I’ll get to the proper sports in a bit but I’m going to start with possibly the laziest one out there, sailing.


Not only do sailors spend the whole day sitting down, they also get the wind to do the work for them. It sounds like the perfect sport for me if it wasn’t for the risk of drowning or being attacked by an octopus.

We’re an island nation so it’s probably no surprise that we’re pretty good at it. We’re also pretty good at producing wind, I could win the Olympics if wind producing was a sport, so we’re guaranteed gold every four years.

There are different variations based on wealth. The richer you are the bigger boat you have.

The rules are simple, race to the buoy and get home as quickly as possible, similar to the rules of being a 1970’s DJ.


One to watch: Captain Pugwash

Cycling Pursuit

I’ve mentioned a couple of cycling events in my other blogs so it does seem like overkill to do a third one but this one is a little different.

Unlike the other events where you have to fight against the elements, the cobbles in the road and hundreds of other riders, in Pursuit four mates get together and pelt round a giant fruit bowl whilst dressed like characters out of Tron.


You are chasing your opponent whilst they are chasing you which could tie your brain up in knots if you thought about it too much.

There’s not really any rules other than peddle like buggery and sacrifice the weakest of the group at the last minute.

One to watch: I’ve heard whispers about some bloke called Wiggins in the British Team.

100m Sprint

Another contender for laziest sport with them only running for about ten seconds once every four years but it is also one of the most popular Olympic sports. I suppose it brings out the inner laziness and lack of attention span in everyone.

The sport has been tainted in the past by athletes being coked up to the eyeballs but the IOC seems to have tackled this by removing the toilet cistern from the finish line.

Sprinting is dominated by Jamaica’s Usain Bolt whose name was dreamed up by a team of marketers. He is built like a brick shithouse, finishes it in about three steps and has done a dance and filmed two adverts before the others have got off the starting blocks.

BoltFor some reason, tickets for the 100m final are the most sort after but you’d be better off getting them for the 10,000 metres and get some value for money.

One to watch: Hard to see past Bolt but I once saw a lad nick a till from a shop in Leeds and he couldn’t half shift. If he turns up we could be in for a shock.

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