Creating a stink (Toilet etiquette part two).

You’ve decided on your cubicle and entered with the minimum of fuss. Now what?

The advent of mobile phones has been a game changer in the world of on pot entertainment but some people are still old school and prefer traditional reading material. As an author I am all for people buying books to read whilst curling one out however there is a time and a place. In your own home, it is fine. If you a trundle down the office with a hardback under your arm I would suggest that you are being a little disrespectful to your colleagues.

Not only are you highlighting that you are going to be some time away from your desk and whatever important tasks you are meant to be doing, you may also be creating a queue for the facilities.

That cubicle is your kingdom whilst you are on the throne, however spend too long on there and there will be an uprising amongst the natives.

Newspapers are no longer the go to item they used to be and finding a stash of Suns in trap five made me think we had a visitor from the seventies. As for the people who take bongo mags to the netty …


Nobody likes to have a time limit set on their visits, it’s a job that takes as long as it takes, but you need to give consideration to those that will follow.

If you are in a one pot shop, don’t expect to while away an afternoon or people will be shitting in the sink. Ideally you will be up and away before a queue has formed. Nobody likes performing under pressure and equally, nobody likes to be greeted with a warm seat when they plonk themselves down.

I don’t want to name names here but if you away on a stag do and there is only one toilet in the apartment, it is going to be in demand. Do not think you can spend an hour doing your hair whilst the other lads are touching cloth. Yes, Titch, I mean you.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness so leave the facilities as you would hope to find them. Anything that comes out of your body goes down the pot. Not up the walls, on the floor or christening any part of the porcelain that won’t be cleared by a good flush.

You may find it funny to write cutting edge comedy on the walls of the cubicle but chances are that you aren’t Oscar Wilde. If you want people to read your work, there are more traditional routes.

My friend told me a tale about the toilets in the civil service where there was a particular problem that resulted in the cleaners putting up a notice stating that ‘nasal mucus’ was not to be wiped on the walls. Someone wiped a snot over the sign.

Creating a stink is an occupational hazard when paying a visit but you are what you eat. If you’ve been eating a chilli a night every day for the last six months, maybe you should have the good manners to go in your own home rather than polluting the workplace environment.

It goes without saying that you should be washing your hands on exit but it’s surprising how many people can’t manage this simple task. The sink is there for a reason, that’s where the water goes. Not over the mirrors, on the floor, on yourself or on any other part of the bathroom you can drown. It’s not a water park.

You don’t need to yank at the paper towels like you are in a tug of war with a team of giants and if you are using a hand drier, it doesn’t matter how strong it is, your hands aren’t dry until you’ve wiped them on the back of your jeans on the way out.

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