A simpleton’s guide to the Olympics (Part three)

Today’s sports for your education are Gymnastics, The Marathon and Diving.


I used to work with the wife of a former Olympic gymnast and BBC commentator but this adds nothing to the blog, just reminding you that I am a friend of the stars.

Gymnastics is split into two distinct disciplines. ‘Means of escape’ is all the running and jumping over things, hanging off bars etc. These are usually performed by someone having an affair who has to jump out of a first floor window when an angry husband returns home or people featuring in a film alongside Matt Damon.

The other discipline is rolling around on a mat or ‘tumbling your creams’ as it is better known. This is usually performed by toddlers.


Eastern Europeans have traditionally been good at the jumping and swinging stuff due to years of trying to evade the Stasi and vaulting over the Berlin Wall. Since it has come down their dominance has declined and it has been dominated by the Chinese for similar reasons.

The British have also been contenders although this should be no surprise to anyone living on an estate on the day the ‘Provy Man’ comes round.

Not really sure who dominates the rolling about on the floor one, probably the French as they seem to be a bunch of big bairns.

If you want more in depth analysis you should ask my friend Lisa. She seems to be very knowledgeable and is a great admirer of the athleticism of the British male team.

One to watch: Anyone on those high bar things. If they land on your noggin you’ll know about it.

The Marathon

Here’s a sport I actually know something about. Not because I’ve run one (I’ve done half a one and I was very nearly sick on myself) but because I sympathise with the criminal injustice of the ‘first past the post’ ruling.

I have a clinical condition known as ‘being a short arse’ and I therefore already put in twice as much effort when I set foot outside the door as someone who is blessed with longer legs. For some reason this is the elephant in the room that is never discussed in the athletics world.

My mate Mick once ran the coast to coast in one go. Over 140 miles in 42 hours sounds canny impressive but he’s a bit of a lanky get, so how hard can it be? I probably put more effort into running for a bus.

Running 26 miles in 2 hours is some achievement but lets be honest, if the runner is six foot or over it must be a piece of piss.

I will be setting up a petition soon to get the rules changed so the Marathon is measured on steps taken, not miles run. I hope you will support me.

One to watch: Sunderland’s very own Aly Dixon. As the smallest runner in the field I have worked out that if she gets to 20 miles before anybody reaches the finish line then she is the moral victor.

Aly Dixon

I know some of you will have your calculators out trying to prove me wrong. Don’t bother, I have an O Level.


Diving was invented in the late eighties by Eric Gates and is currently dominated by the Chinese and also British poster boy, Tom Daley.

Eric Gates

I have to be honest, if I had to stand on one of those diving boards I would be quite literally shitting in my Speedos so I have nothing but admiration for them.

I was watching it yesterday and the rules seem to be similar to going on an 18-30’s holiday. Wear inappropriate underpants, throw a wet towel off the balcony at an unsuspecting German then hoy yourself into the pool hoping to impress a few lasses in the crowd.

Most lads seem to be afraid to do it on their own, even experienced ones like Tom Daley, and take a mate along as wingman.

There also seemed to be a lot of showering and jacuzzis. The more I think of it I’m not sure if I was actually watching a swingers party.

One to watch: The fatty from Belgium. When he belly flops you are all going to get a soaking.

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