A simpleton’s guide to the Olympics (Part four)

Know nothing about shooting , fencing or canoeing? Keep on reading and you will soon be an expert.


You would naturally assume that the Americans would clean up in the shooting competitions with their predilection for taking a pot shot at almost anything that moves. That assumption does not take into consideration the trigger happy farmers of Britain who will happily obliterate any fox, bird of prey or rambler who dares set foot on their land.


That is not to say that the transition from shotgun wielding maniac to disciplined olympian is an easy one. British Gold medallist Geoff Myland explains “The targets are still in most instances and you get a single bullet instead of a gun full of shot. I’m used to firing wildly at the first sign of movement and clearing out everything within a hundred metre radius. Admittedly I have knocked the vicar off his bike a couple of times but I see that as collateral damage.”

Asked whether he preferred the Double Trap which has a moving target he wholeheartedly agrees “I’ve been practising by shooting at those new shiny birds that come from foreign land, ayrioplanes I think they call them. Haven’t hit one yet but I am getting better.”

Texan Chuck Chips also tells us about his love of guns. “I sleep with one under my pillow and keep one down my pants at all times. You can never be too careful. Hell, I once even shot my own shadow because I didn’t like the colour of his face.”

One to watch: It’s fair to say that you should probably watch out for anyone with a gun but be especially careful around the Americans.


Anyone brought up marvelling at the fencing antics of Dogtanian is probably going to be a little disappointed when they see the olympian equivalent.


In the olden days a lot of fencing was done by knights but apparently they no longer get up to that sort of stuff. I’m no expert but I think there is still a public demand to see David Attenborough lopping the head off Alan Sugar. It’s what we are paying them for after all.

In the watered down Olympics version, beekeepers from around the world come together to fence, not with swords but with old aerials from portable televisions.

I tried to watch it the other night but all the beeping got on my nerves. I know the sport is a bit boring but can you not fight for ten minutes without getting texts from your Mam asking what you want for tea?

Leave your phones at home lads, this is the bloody Olympics.

One to watch: None of the current crop but if the knights want to get involved again I would love to see Alex Ferguson spearing the heart of Lynton Crosby.


You may have read my recent blog about rowers and how the precious darlings are unhappy about getting their shorts wet.

The canoeing fraternity, and lets be honest, we all thought it was the same sport, couldn’t be any more different. The choppier the conditions are, the better it is for this lot.

The slalom course in Rio is the fastest stream of water I’ve seen since that pissed Geordie lass nipped into the back lane off the Bigg Market.

Armed with nothing more than a tennis racquet and a skateboard helmet, they have to paddle down the rapids going through a series of gates, sometimes paddling upstream which is just plain mental.

Missing out a gate they don’t like the look of isn’t an option, they aren’t postmen.


Probably the most exciting sport yet. They should probably have a dodge over to the boating lake on the way to the rapids and pick up a couple of rowing golds.

One to watch: John Darwin from Seaton Carew is Britain’s big hope after his showing in Panama.

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