How to survive a heatwave

How to survive a heatwave.

We’re in the middle of a heatwave. The sun is cracking the pavements, it has been for weeks. The BBC has had more news items about flip flop wearing Londoners than they would have if a giant spaceship landed and stole all of our children.

Hosepipe bans are in place and criminals have taken to carrying puppies around to throw in the back seat of cars to excuse them breaking the windows. It’s humid and stickier than that time the art teacher got caught doing something inappropriate with the Gloy Gum.

So, how do you survive a heatwave?

Shut up

Yes, that’s right. Shut your big fat gob.

Experts estimate that the hot air expelled when people express their views on the weather has increased global warming by 4%.

Certain councils are imposing on the spot fines for anyone using the phrases “I can’t wait for the winter,” or “it’s hotter than Greece.” Don’t be fooled by anyone claiming to be a BBC reporter asking for a Vox Pop, they are undercover council officers trying to catch you out.

Personal Hygiene

I shouldn’t need to tell you this but you stink. Walking to the shops in this weather expels the same amount of sweat as someone doing the London Marathon in a deep sea diving suit. Adjust your cleaning rituals accordingly.

Always be within an arm’s reach of  can of deodorant. Place them strategically wherever you may need one. In the drawer at the office, in the car, in your bag, even bury one down the beach if you are planning on going for a plodge.

Apply liberally all over, not just your pits. Everything from your feet, to your back, to your nads or your clopper could do with a good spray.

Whatever you do, don’t try and apply your Lynx Africa whilst in an enclosed space like the Tube or the Metro. To do so will result in the can being applied up your hoop. Sideways.

Splash on the suncream

Many years ago I went to Gran Canaria and bumped into a lad from school. He was very pale and very ginger and had taken the advice of a friend from home that, ‘you should get burnt on the first day so it’s out of the way and it doesn’t spoil the rest of your holiday.’ He spent the rest of the week in the pool, fully clothed.

He also took a suitcase of Mr Kipling’s cakes with him as he didn’t like foreign food. He was no Phileas Fogg.

Not that I can mock people who don’t respect the sun, I managed to catch a few rays myself once.


In my defence it was that hot sun they have in Australia that rarely travels to these shores. I think I just about got away with it.

Drink up

Stay hydrated. Drink as much water as you can, just not from a hosepipe, there’s a ban. Fill up on whatever soft drink takes your fancy, have a slush, have an ice lolly but don’t believe the people who say that a cup of tea cools you down. They are mental and are probably still wearing their thermals.

Having a cool refreshing pint of beer or lager is a great idea. Taking a photo of it and posting it on social media when others are at work is not.

A popular misconception is that the sun gives you super powers and you can drink far more alcohol than you do usually. This is not true, it merely makes you into a sweatier, fatter mess than you already were.

Enjoy the sun while it lasts, it won’t be long before we are suffering six foot snow drifts and the only heat we get is from burning the bodies of those that said “I can’t wait for the winter.”

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