Alan Parkinson

You may think that me not riding a bike would preclude me from penning a guide on how to be cyclist but you would be wrong. Having no knowledge on a subject does not stop me from being an expert and as an impartial observer I will provide you with everything you need to know.

From what to wear to road safety I will give you all the advice you need to have the general public out on the streets cheering you on as if you were in the Tour De France (I believe this is the name of a cycling race held somewhere abroad.)

As soon as cyclists are mentioned, everybody thinks of those men clad in skin tight Lycra as if they have just come from a bondage party in Soho. We will of course be covering those but there are almost as many different types of cyclists are there are bikes and what you wear and how you ride your bike very much depends on what category you fall into. I will try and cover off the main ones.

The Trainee Unicyclist

Not yet confident enough to ride on one wheel only but definitely an onanist, the Trainee Unicyclist has mastered the art of riding without using his hands. His hands are usually occupied with a mobile phone, a cigarette, a can of Stella or a combination of all three. Usually found weaving his way through crowded shopping centres, Airshows or busy footpaths he has no concern for his own or other’s safety.

His bike will inevitably not be his bike, just one that he ‘found’ or ‘borrowed’ from a bloke in the pub whose name he can’t quite remember.

Very much a sprinter rather than a long distance rider as he is usually just nipping to his mate’s for a quick smoke and a game of FIFA on a ‘borrowed’ Playstation.

He will never ride his bike to work.

There is a strict dress code for the Trainee Unicyclist. Adidas tracksuit bottoms tucked into off white socks nestled in a pair of Nike Airs. Between the months of March and September he will ride topless, in the colder months he will sport a polo shirt with the collar turned up to guard against the elements.

They quite often keep their hands warm by shoving down the front of their tracksuit bottoms, probably not a man to shake hands with.

He refuses to wear a helmet due to his disregard of safety but will almost always wear a baseball cap perched precariously on top of his head. Experts have discovered that they have less of a need for a helmet due to their unusually thick heads.

Whilst they may not be interested in Strava, Garmin or head cams you would be wrong to think they have no interest in technology. They are very interested, especially if it is in your handbag or on a car seat.

As mentioned earlier, they are sprinters and they take their training seriously. They rarely share details of their regime but it has its own name, escaping.

Do not engage in conversation with the Trainee Unicyclist, any interest they show in cycling will be an unhealthy interest in your bike and how quickly they can get it to a second hand shop.

Ratings

Popularity: 2/10 Disliked by cyclists and normal people alike.

Skill: 5/10 A few very specific skills but not in it for the long haul.

Top skill: Profanity.

Style: 1/10 An absolute clip.